crazeecookie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I've Been Gone... Ummm..I needed to update. Everyday I get more and more tired of High School. I swear that I think I am above this. I am not at all working/ performing at my full capability. I feel really frustrated now. After Brown University deferred my application, which means they are not going to give my application a final decision until April, I kind of feel like I want to just stay home and sleep until then. UH! As I walk around the halls of Laurel HS, I see all the people around me that are making the same mistakes I made. Skipping class, hanging out and fucking around with people of the opposite sex. I mean I’ve been there. I have done those things and none of them brought me any satisfaction. I find satisfaction in my future. Knowing that I am not just another black girl that is going to get pregnant at 17 and drop out of school. I am not another drug abuser and I am not a teen statistic. And I do think I am better then some people. God handed them the exact same opportunities as me and I persevered. There is nothing I had that they didn’t. It’s called motivation and some people need to find out. In addition to all that drama, I was talking the asshole I also refer to as my ex and it got me thinking. The majority of my “young adult” life, I have found salvation in the opposite sex. Knowing that I was beautiful and special always made me feel good about myself. I looked towards boys for my self-worth and self-appreciation instead of myself. I have had soo many boys wrap me up and tell me all the right things. But when it came down to it, their feeble attempts to bun me up and keep me “committed” always failed. I cannot be contained or tamed. I will flirt my ass off and tell boys that I “fuck with them hard” but when it all comes down, I know that I cannot be in a relationship. I am preserving my mental and emotional self. I am waiting for my knight in shining armor to take my life by storm. Because I believe in true love. In love at first sight. In seeing someone and instantly knowing that I could spend the rest of my life with that person. I want him to be the only one for me. And yes, I am high maintenance. Because I will give 100% to someone and I want someone to give me 110% in return. The lies can stop and the truth can begin. I want the one who will kiss me when I cry and hold me when I shout. Understand my facial expressions and every one of my smiles. I want him to know me. Because honestly, to know me is to love me. I know you guys are wondering why I am putting myself out there like that. Well partly because I was listening to my Jill Scott CD. And I’m tired of being considered “scandalous” and “stuck up”. All I am is me. 11:42 p.m. - December 14, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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